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Without God, there is no Goddess,

Without the Goddess, there is no God.

How sweet is their love!

Embracing each other, they merge into One,

As darkness merges with the light

At the breaking of dawn.

                                                                - Jnaneshwar

Sections on this page:

1.  How do you begin a tantric relationship - brief overview

2.  Fantasy Versus Reality: "The Rules" and "The Tao of Steve" v Humble Honesty

3.  How to Avoid Falling into Old Patterns of Falsehood and Image YOURSELF

4.  How to Avoid Falling into the Manipulations of OTHERS

5.  HOW TO BUILD A TANTRIC RELATIONSHIP

How Do You Begin a Tantric Relationship?

First of all, as discussed in the Yogic Love page (hit the "UP" button in the left column to review), your most important relationship is with YOURSELF.  If you are not happy within your own self, another person will not correct this.  There is an old saying: 

 "If you cannot find it within yourself, where will you go to get it?"

So, begin with yourself.  Integrate yourself, and know yourself well.  Don't deny your shadow side.  It is as valuable and worthwhile as your light.  When you are comfortable with who you are, then you are ready for a mate, a partner, another to join you.  If you are not comfortable with yourself, then your ego will get in the way.  The partner will be a metaphor, not a person.  While fantasy is tempting, it takes you away from your true self, and causes fragmentation and confusion.  Reality is grounding, and connect you to yourself and with another on a deeper, truer level.  You can heal each other and complete each other, but the path of reality is HARDER, takes LONGER, challenges you and provides impetus to grow.  Instead of using fantasy to escape, you use reality to make your life, yourself, and your relationship thrive. 

Fantasy V Reality:  "The Rules" and "The Tao of Steve" versus Humble Honesty

Right now, there are a few popular pop-psychology books and movies out, that give you "instructions" in how to "catch" a mate.  One is "The Rules for capturing the heart of Mr. Right" and the other is "The Tao of Steve."  I have seen the film and read the book.  Both offer techniques which, in all honesty, work.  Excellent examples of manipulation of the ego-emotions of another.  Basically, don't get attached, and once someone is interested in you, be unavailable and distant.  When you see the person, do your best to be attractive, witty, and light, regardless of how you truly feel at that time.  Then  pull away energetically.  The human ego-response is to chase, to try to come closer and see what is just out of reach.  Once someone does some work to get closer to you, they value you more.  Don't call, don't write, don't email, and they will work to get closer to you.  Well, part of EVERY person just loves a prize.  We value what we need to work hard for.  We like to get something special, and it feeds THE EGO!  That is the raging beast.  The EGO.  We work on toning it down and connecting to the spirit with yoga, but in relationships, we easily slip back into old Junior High patterns of crushes and relating to others.  

Here is the bottom line.  "The Rules" work.  "The Tao of Steve" works.  They are all about manipulation, and using another person's ego against them, to BIND them to you.  Most girls have known for a long time that all we need to do is look pretty, act nice and light, and turn the guy on without giving him much satisfaction and he will keep coming back to try to have more of you.  You basically take advantage of the weakest aspects of human nature.

Tantra is not about binding any heart, mind, or soul.  Frankly, do you want anything that is not given freely?  Tantra and the Yogic Approach is to develop yourself so completely, integrate yourself, be confident and comfortable in your own skin, so that you don't feel the need to present false images of your true self.  Your behavior will be natural, organic and true.  Others who are drawn to you are drawn to YOU.  Those who are not drawn to you have their own paths to follow.  It is truly a way to stay centered, integrated, honest and real.  It is also a way to find your soul mate, with whom you are comfortable sharing your innermost self.  There is no "game" to screw up by revealing your true nature, and you cannot make mistakes here, if you stay to your center.  It is harder to be this honest, when you know there is a quicker and easier way, but truth is closer to God, manipulation fragments the self and causes you pain.  Not hard to determine which path, which method will bring you the greatest joy, wholeness, healing and love.  Truth is very attractive and appealing, and has enchanting charisma of its own.

How to Avoid Falling Into Old Patterns

At the initial blush of any connection to another, you will be tempted to follow the path of manipulation and deceit.  Throw a spanner into your own works.  Remember that any connection based on honesty is stronger, more passionate, and more intense for you!  Also,  occasionally reveal aspects of yourself or behaviors that would turn OFF the "rules/tao of steve" followers.  If a potential partner can't see your unique light and value you on a real basis of connection, then you don't want them.  

The "Rules/Tao of Steve" are based on feeding someone's fantasy.  Be unattainable, and others will work hard to get you.  True, but they will not work to bond with YOU.  They will work to win their fantasy-idea of you.  It is fun to have fantasies about others - to float into romantic, idealized intense emotions.  But it is not REAL, and it takes us from our center.  Less fun for the teenager in us to be in a confident, honest, loving, connected state than it is to be in the vibrant intensity of the fire of passionate fantasy.  The real bond, the deep, tantric relationship has its moments of intensity, passion, vibrance and life.  It is just not artificially maintained at that level of romantic fantasy.  Those moments remain special and unique, and other moments are moments of loving friendship and connection on many other levels.  Think of Krishna and Radha.  Shiva and Parvati (Shakti).  The divine masculine and divine femine.  They love each other in gentle, balancing ways, then the passion flares in physical, mental and emotional attraction, drawing them into union on many levels.

Now, you know how to be an ethereal "creature unlike any other" (as the Rules puts it).  But choose NOT to do so.  It is preferable when a partner gives you their heart honestly, based on reality, and you can go oh, so much deeper in your connection.

How to Avoid Falling into the Manipulations of Non-Tantric People

True Nature VS Charisma and Exterior Qualities

Bottom line:  don't go for a fantasy, for the unattainable person, for a "goal" to feed the ego.  Most of us LIKE a challenge, but there are other ways to challenge yourself.  Practice staying still when good people approach you.  Explore and appreciate the rich depths of offerings in front of you.  At first you will have judgments, and not be very interested.  Easy relationships seem too bland, not exciting enough.  Hold still and look deeper.  You will find challenges with any person.  Every person has their challenges - but with some, the challenges are real, not artificial images.  Be open hearted, generous, kind and open to the many beautiful souls you encounter in every aspect of your life - every soul has its beauty and its divine nature.  But don't give your vulnerable romantic heart unless you see good earthy solid qualities - not the gloss - not money, not flash, not charisma, not fantasy.  Base your caring and trust on the real, giving, loving aspects of their true nature.

To determine if someone is playing "rules" or "tao of steve" behaviors with you:  if they are not willing to reveal their true thoughts and feelings to you, run like hell.  If they are not sure about you, don't put on any act to win someone over.  Just move on.  If the other person seems to be playing some game to keep you interested, but you never feel complete or satisfied after being with them, then leave.  Those are all signs of people who are not able to be in a true union with another.

DO NOT discuss "what you are looking for" in a partner with the other person.  Some people are social chameleons, and will appear to be what you want, in order to bind you.  Once you discover that is not their true nature, you already feel somewhat attached, but somehow feel betrayed also.  Built in anger/love/push/pull confusion.  Just be yourself, encourage the other to be themselves, and see how it goes.  Also NEVER change who YOU are, in order to impress another.  Stay true to yourself.  Sometimes, when you meet someone who is passionate about something, their passion flows into you and you become interested in it too.  That is natural, and one way we learn and grow from others.  What you avoid is becoming something other than who and what you are, for another.

BASICALLY, STAY TRUE TO YOURSELF AT ALL TIMES!  Be confident, comfortable, and accepting of every aspect of your own nature!  You will learn and grow from a centered and grounded core, and not from a shaky, artificial structure.  BE WITH OTHERS WHO MAKE YOU FEEL GOOD ABOUT WHO YOU ARE.  Our soul mates will challenge us, illuminate us, and help us to grow, in an atmosphere of safety, acceptance and compassion.  You like who you ARE around your beloved, and your growth is to enhance who you are.

TANTRIC RELATIONSHIP: HOW DO YOU BUILD IT

Tantra is based on Honesty.  Deceit is considered one of the basest qualities in Tantra.  Deceit is robbing others of reality, dis-empowering others.  So, be HONEST!  It is HARD to do at times.  But trust can't grow without honesty, and without trust, you can't really connect at the deepest levels.  

Learn to trust your partner - trust given encourages trust to be returned.  Be honest - at first, most partners will have a very difficult time being COMPLETELY honest with you.  Most of us have shadow sides we would like to hide, cover, and gloss over.  If you can reveal yours, embracing your shadow side as valid as your light, then you will encourage your partner to do the same.  So give it time.  Your honesty will provide incentive and growth of honesty in your partner.  If your partner is willing to grow and change, then they will.  If not, look at them in all honesty and see if you can accept them as they are.  If not, move on.  If so, then accept, without conditions.

Discuss your tantric beleifs with your partner.  Not getting on a soapbox and lecturing.  We all have our issues, and our beliefs.  Respect your partners.  Share your thoughts in order to let them know more about YOU, how YOU feel.  Then LISTEN to their thoughts.  There is no RIGHT or WRONG.  Everyone feels how they feel, and all is welcome.  So just share your beliefs openly.

Establish SAFETY.  SAFETY is based on TRUST which is based on HONESTY.  All these are building blocks to bliss.  If you can feel safe with each other, you can explore the dizzying heights of ecstasy with wild abandon, without hiding or pretending anything, and live totally in moments of love and blissful union, healing and integrating yourself fully and being more alive than ever.

More to be posted soon.

Celebrate the Darkness

Embrace the Light