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Yogic Love, Tantra, and Non-Yogic Love I have added this at the top of this page, because it is a common sign of a relationship that will not be fulfilling, ultimately. If your partner judges or blames you, to the degree you cannot feel safe being open and honest with them, leave. Hearing such negativity and judgment often will eventually cause you to feel less love for yourself, wonder what is wrong with you, etc. Love yourself, and leave when you encounter the weak, who project their own insecurities and cover them with judgment and coldness. Those individuals are afraid, so feel compassion but leave, so you can continue on your joyful path. Who gives another the right to judge you or anyone else? Why would they expend energy on finding fault, rather than opening up and seeking deeper, more satisfying and intense connection? Balanced individuals will work on themselves, and find compassion and try to open to find their potential soul mates. Unbalanced individuals judge and use artificial standards, and live in fantasy, not reality. We yogis make our greatest joys our reality, and can see our partners fully, with their flaws, fears, loves and joys, and we choose not to judge our partners but to love and share with them. If your partner is unable to see you fully and accept you as you are, you are not a team. That person is alone and is too weak for you. You can be compassionate, kind but know their judgment of you is a demonstration of fear and not a commitment to partnership. We are stronger as a team, than as lone rangers -we reach out and help each other up when we fall, and work to maintain mutual respect. Do not listen to the judgment of ones such as these. Know your own beauty and strength. Need someone because you love them, don't love them because you need them. Go, Team, Go! Team - individualism and interdependence, mutual respect, and if you say I love you, know it means you have become a team. In my own experience, I have dated people with whom I was NOT able to be myself. I communicated as clearly as I could, but because I didn't match that person's idea of what they wanted, it became impossible to be fully myself. How can one share a hurt, ask for help, or express an unfulfilled need if your partner has already said out loud they feel those things are "weak", "a mess" and are disparaging of others? That is not YOUR fault. It simply means you are not with a yogi, you are with a closed soul too afraid to accept the flaws in themselves (some people even may think they have no flaws, and are arrogant). That is not your fault. The flaw lies in that person's lack of courage, lack of compassion and unwillingness to be part of a team. The "takers" hoped I would always be there to help if they needed it, but couldn't comprehend helping me or being compassionate loving beings when I needed a partner. That is not a partnership. That is not a relationship. That is two individuals getting some kicks together, nothing more. That can be satisfying if you know it for what it is, but do not count on such people, and certainly give no credence to any criticism they spew. You are an amazing person, beautiful inside and out and those creatures cannot have empathy. They are the type that point fingers at the world and say it is everyone else's fault if they are unhappy. Where does happiness lie? Choose the more fulfilling path, and slough off the pitiful souls. Send them your compassion. If you meet one, you will see that they judge things by their own artificial standards, rather than seeing beauty and connection that fills our world. I don't understand those who think they can or should judge others. You can't be open and honest with such people, as they are untrustworthy. Patanjali called them the disturbed - they will lash out judgment at you and find you lacking until you may even believe it! Follow Patanjali - feel compassion for these souls, they are leading the lives of the least joy of the 4 types, and really don't know and haven't experienced real connection, only fantasy - and as Patanjali says - keep them at arm's length. There are many people who will celebrate and adore you, and you shall reciprocate - be love - be love itself. Compassion for the less fortunate is a kindness and strength, and you have it. If you forget you have it, call or email or see me. Now for the important and more interesting loving joyful lessons: A lot of people ask us the difference between "yogic love" (known by many different names and forms, such as Tantric Love) and non-yogic love. Yogic Love is primarily a lot of the divine, by whatever name you know it. A desire to feel the ocean of universal love/spirit/energy. I like the way one of my teachers, Erich Schiffmann, puts it (I am paraphrasing - going by memory, on a conversation I had with Erich at Kripalu in Feb or March 2000) "Everything - the universe and everything in it, is a big ocean of cosmic love and divine energy. We are like waves in that ocean. We are only separate from it when we think we are separate from it - if we open to it, we can feel the connection and let the energy flow through us. Let the flow, flow." Now I have acknowledged the primary love of the yogi - God/Brahma/Vishnu/Shiva/String Theory/the Goddess/Mother Nature/Science/Energy whatever you call it - the spiritual aspect of whatever you feel makes life ALIVE. Now I will discuss what people are usually asking, when they ask about yogic love - ROMANTIC LOVE (with a partner or partners of different sexes or the same sex, there is no judgment, only full acceptance, in the true yogis mind). By Romantic Love, I am discussing a soul mate, sexual partner, spiritual companion, a single individual or several individuals with whom you share a deeply intimate connection in body (the physical, including but not exclusive to sex), mind (sharing thoughts and discussions, a genuine interest in the other's perspective and evaluations, heart (emotions - ability to feel a full range of emotions with this person, without editing them ) and spirit - a spiritual union, where you feel you have touched the other person's soul, and without fear, you feel you could merge with them completely. Here is some sound thoughts on forming a healthy relationship: Let your partner be who he/she is! Don't edit, constrain, or try to change your partner! Love him/her for their true self, and accept your partner as they are! If it is love, then you want each other to be happy, so allow your partner to express their uniqueness, develop themselves, and pursue their dreams. NOW EVEN MORE IMPORTANTLY: YOU DO THE SAME! This page is in progress, but here are a few aspects of yogic love: 1. No need to edit your thoughts, emotions, or feelings - you can completely share with your partner, and know they will accept and honor your perspective, even if they do not agree with you. (this means the ability to share things that may make your partner angry, hurt and other emotions our society sees as negative - the sharing allows you to be complete and honest with each other, so you can grow and accept one another completely, not in compartments) 2. You feel more alive when you are with your partner. Your partner is not an energy drain - you are not expending energy - it makes you feel more alive to be with your partner. You want to hold and contain that beautiful energy and feeling, not let it dissipate. 3. You like who YOU ARE around your beloved. You are able to integrate all the parts of yourself and know you will be accepted fully - not in parts. Both your light and shadow are accepted - which allows you to integrate more fully also! 4. When you think of the other person, you feel better about yourself. 5. Sometimes, at the first blush of yogic love, your beloved awakens parts of you that have value, but have been asleep. Can feel a bit confusing, stirring up the soul. 6. You view each other with compassion, acceptance, and understanding. You like the reflection of yourself in your partner's eyes, and you don't feel the need to hide any part of yourself. 7. This takes time, because it is scary! But as you deepen your connection, you can allow yourself to be vulnerable with your partner. Trust and honesty are the basis of a spiritual relationship. Sexually, you can explore each other's most vulnerable areas with complete trust and safety, emotionally, you can be honest about your "shadow side" - the feelings that we all have but some of us deny (anger, jealousy, desire, covetousness, sadness, emptiness, etc.) and know you will be accepted for your whole self, Mentally, you can discuss issues in which you do not agree, but still honor your partner's view and hold the space for them. 8. You like the idea of a life with this person. It fills you with joy (not a romanticized life with your partner, but the honest, day-to-day life, stretching out before you, seems brighter with this beautiful soul as your companion). 9. Yogic Love is NOT OBSESSIVE. You honor that you and your partner have your own Dharma (life mission) to pursue on your own - not all aspects of your life are to be done together. Each person needs a chance to be with themselves, to explore their own inner landscape, and a chance to pursue their own paths. Yogic love does not cling - it supports. 10. Your first relationship is your most important - your relationship with yourself. Your first priority is to yourself (not to your spouse, children, work, possessions, etc). If you are not happy, you have nothing of real value to give to others. This is a hard lesson for some people who would rather use other "obligations" as excuses to avoid pursuing happiness, and for some people, it helps them realize that something they viewed as an "obligation" (like children) is really what makes them truly happy! It is a matter of knowing yourself well enough to differentiate what really makes you happy, and what you are doing out of a sense of "this is what I am supposed to do . . ." obligation or duty. Be happy! you will make others around you happy too! (eventually - it may take some folks a while to get used to the happy you, if they are used to the "forcing yourself to go through the motions because you have to" you. 11. Once you know how to take care of yourself and make yourself happy, THEN you balance your own needs with those of your partner. You first. Then both of you. 12. In Yogic Love, you don't LOSE yourself in your partner. You are more alive, and MORE FULLY YOURSELF with your partner. No pretending or playing an expected role. This is great if you have a big ego. The old meditation saying "you have to be somebody, before you can become nobody" holds true here. You need to have a good sense of yourself before you can give yourself fully and merge with another - you will find yourselves blending into one another at times, and feel connected to a greater flow of life beyond you. Very intense, and you need to be strong and feel safe with your partner to go there. I have focused a lot on being completely open and honest, being your whole true self rather than displaying fragmented aspects of yourself. WHY? In our society, we tend to compartmentalize everything - including ourselves and our lives. This is one reason for so much disconnectedness, malaise and psychotherapy/counseling. There is also a growing demand for spirituality in our lives - we have compartmentalized it out, and left a hole there. Yogis work to integrate ourselves fully. In Tantric practices, we may meditate or pray together, and connect on a deep spiritual level, before lovemaking which can take many hours. Tantric lovemaking is not about orgasm - it is about making most of your life orgasmic, and sex is considered spiritual connection - mouths and genitals locked, spirit flowing from one to another. We will be adding a page on Tantra soon. TANTRA IS NOT ABOUT SEX. Tantric Yogis view all life and activities as sacred, nothing is profane. If God is everywhere, then God is in the Genitals as well as in the Temples, God is in the compost and in the rose. Tantrics are encouraged to perform all activities mindfully and with awareness, and notice the sacred throughout. No part of the world, no part of our lives, no part of our bodies is profane - all is sacred and beautiful. Tantrics see beauty in each yoga student, in each person encountered (and it can be hard when that person is a traffic cop giving you a ticket), in each part of life. That is one of the keys - love and life are everywhere - just be open and look. Now, for the less pleasant list. Love that is NON-YOGIC. 1. You present a partial or false image to your partner. You are not, or feel that you can't be, totally honest. 2. You may rationalize this partial presentation of yourself - common rationalizations include "it is to protect my partner's feelings" (if you are in a true bonding, you respect your partner enough to be honest with them, and confident that they will work through their feelings and grow). Also, your partner may understand and accept your full self completely, and may help you work through your issues for an even deeper relationship!!!!! You are blocking the deepening of the relationship with this behavior. another common rationalization "I don't want to tell them something. They will be mad at me and I don't need the grief." Serious Boundary issues here - you should be able to talk with your partner about something that will upset them, and still be able to maintain your boundaries. Suggested approach "I know this upsets you, and you may be angry with me, but I truly love you and I wanted to share my complete feelings with you, so we could be even closer together." - let your intent be clear in deepening your connection. If the partner is angry and having a hard time, "I understand that you are angry, but I feel hurt by your anger. It took courage for me to tell you things I knew you didn't want to hear, but I love you and wanted us to be closer due to this honesty. I am going to give you some time and space to consider this issue, and remember how much I love you and how much our relationship means to both of us." There are a lot of approaches that can work - YES, THESE WORK EVEN IN THE REAL WORLD! Honesty is truly the best policy. Your partner can CHOOSE how they react - that is all we really can choose completely on our own in our lives. 3. Sex, while enjoyable, is a build up of tension and release, leaving you feeling like you "achieved a goal" but you feel a bit drained. It is a little physical satisfaction to make our body feel good for a short time, but does not last too long. Sex relationships like this can be fun and enjoyable for brief periods, but are no where near the intimacy, intensity and connection of Tantric Sex. There will be more added soon, on what Tantra is, what it isn't and some suggestions on transforming your relationship into the most powerful, beautiful and rewarding connection you have ever imagined! Unfortunately, it can sometimes be a wake-up call that your relationship has issues, and it will illuminate those issues clearly. Reassuringly, for most couples that are BOTH WILLING to enter the realm of Tantra, that demonstrates a love and connection to each other that is trusting and open - signs of a relationship that can be even more intense.
Lots of people ask about timing - "when does my relationship get to the point when I can turn up the volume, increase the intensity by introducing the dance and merging of Tantra into the relationship?" That varies - some of us like to live life on the edge, dive in and fall in love quickly - taking the opportunities for moments of love and joy as they arise in the present moment, without holding back. Others like to protect our fragile hearts and move slowly, savoring the moments as affection grows, especially when we have fear of hurt, before we give ourselves so completely to another. Time can't be used to measure "when" here. Before blossoming into a tantric relationship, which can be very intense and exhilarating, make sure you trust each other enough to feel vulnerable and exposed - you will explore the deepest parts of one another, without covering or hiding anything, so feel safe with each other. Love each other - deeply. Otherwise, it is safer not to practice Tantra. Just keep it light and simple, and just have fun in romantic relationships. But they are not love. Enjoy the pleasure that social interaction and human touch bring you for what it is. Many people get hurt by trying to make relationships into something they are not. Look at them for what they are, let go of judgments on how things "should" be, and appreciate what IS. Can you practice Tantra without the big scary L (love)? Sure. This is usually a ceremonial, ritualized sexual practice. The male tantric plays the role of Shiva, the divine masculine. The female tantrika plays the role of Parvati (Shiva's consort, also called Shakti for the energy that she holds and awakens.) The two sexual partners have intercourse but are not connected to each other personally - they are playing the roles of Shiva and Shakti, the union of the male and female energies within themselves and the universe, and they try to awaken the Kundalini (Shakti energy) within themselves so it can rush through their bodies - Shakti energy can be contained and held for a short time by advanced practitioners. FOR MORE INFORMATION ON CREATING A TANTRIC RELATIONSHIP, BASED ON YOGIC LOVE, FOLLOW THIS LINK: Tantra How-To's.
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